9.27.2017

hi. haaay.

We have lost four trees in less than two years. First, the magnolia, dying a slow death. Then ficus tree no. 1, which little by little dried up and turned grey and finally fell on its own on Labor Day weekend, while we were away in San Francisco for Nacho's soccer tournament. Then, yesterday, ficus no. 2 and no. 3 -- they were murdered. They were tall and lush and beautiful, but the tree people, by order of our landlady & the owner of the neighboring property, killed them. Needless to say, I am depressed. My emotional state hasn't been tops to begin with, so the useless death of two majestic trees was the last thing I needed. We got a notice the night before yesterday to move our cars because the trees in the back were getting "trimmed," but the men kept hacking away with chainsaws from morning till afternoon and I started to get a sick feeling in my stomach. Why am I affected so much by this? They weren't even my trees. And yet.

I am a beauty junkie. And I don't know how much of it is influenced by the media I consume. But I distinctly remember being a child and basking in my surroundings whenever my mom would hang up new curtains or redecorate the house. I like to think that the kind of beauty I am addicted to is the kind that nourishes -- as opposed to the kind that makes people feel inadequate and covetous. Actually I doubt that such effects are inherent in certain things of beauty. But anyhow. I love food and home and nature. I wish my occupation could be: Nourisher. Cultivator of Beauty. Lol. Ang OA. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of Chains.

Yumi is away at OSS (their elementary school's week-long field trip). "It must be hard for you," Josephine at gymnastics said to me. And I said, "Hard, yes. And good." I am always amazed by the difference of having one less person at home makes. I miss Yumi terribly. But I also appreciate the silence. And having less work. Asha is taking a break from gymnastics for an entire month, and although that worries me (the changes in moods and interests that she is going through), I am glad for it too -- that I don't have to drive around so much, or serve dinner so late, or pay $$$$ in tuition. At the same time, all this downtime is making me feel restless. Nyan said I should follow Millie around and try to see what I can do for her. That would be hilarious if I weren't already doing it.

Nacho is turning 15 in a couple of days. He will be an adult soon. And that worries me too.

Is this what it means to be a mother? To be in a constant state of hand-wringing? If so, I do not recommend it.

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